Outtakes: Naruto Style!
by nocturnalMusings
Summary: How the heck do the characters of Naruto manage to act out those fight scenes and awesomely cool plotlines? Apparently, they can't do it as perfectly as everyone thinks... Crackfic!
1. Emo McGee

Random story! lolz, I had this idea after reading the Gaara vs. Lee fight in manga volume ten. I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I can't believe I don't own Naruto...but I don't.

* * *

"Lee," shouted Sakura, "give up before he kills you!"

"Stop!"

"What now," exclaimed the proctor. Everyone suddenly heard someone sniffle. They all looked around, before realizing that it was coming from someone on the battlefield.

Everyone's jaws dropped. Gaara's shoulders were shaking, and sobs could be heard.

"Why is it people always think I'm going to kill them?!" Gaara looked up at everyone. Tears were streaming down his face. "You know what?! You people SUCK!!!"

He ran up the stairs of the balcolny and locked himself in the bathroom.

"Gaara! Come on...!" Kankuro ran to the bathroom door.

Temari looked at Sakura. "Way to go, people! Make fun of him, why don't you?!" She ran to the bathroom door also. "Gaara, come out of the bathroom!"

A huge sniff was heard within the bathroom. "No..."

"Come on, otouto..." pleaded Kankuro.

"I don't wanna..."

Kankuro leaned against the door. "Did they make fun of you again?"

Another sniff. "Yes..."

Temari and Kankuro sighed. "Do you want Mr. Fluffykins," asked Temari.

"Yes..."

"You want a blanket?"

Sniff. "Yes..."

"Want some warm milk?"

"Uh huh..."

Temari turned to Kankuro. "Go get his bear...I'll get the blanket and the milk."

She turned to the door again. "We're gonna go get your bear, okay Gaara-kun?"

The door opened a crack, exposing a single tearstained eye. "Okay..."

* * *

The weeping Sand-nin was now wrapped in a large fleece blanket, with a cup of warm milk sitting in front of him and a careworn, scruffy, brown teddy bear in his arms. His eyes held a contented look in them now, and he sighed happily.

"Okay, Gaara-kun" said Temari softly, "do you want to finish the fight now?"

"Uh huh..."

The teen sat up, blanket slipping off his shoulders. He wordlessly handed the bear to his older sister, and the cup of milk to his brother.

The rest of the fight commenced without incident, and Gaara won.

Today was a good day for Gaara.

* * *

Yeah...I haven't the faintest clue where the hell this came from...REVIEW! 


	2. Have A Nice Trip

New chappie! Didn't thik I'd actually get any reviews for this one...

Disclaimer: (prays) Dear god or god-like figure...please let me own Naruto...if I don't have the rights to Naruto soon, then Satan has a new errand girl!

* * *

"SASUKE! NARUTO! DON'T...!" 

The two teens were flying at each other, Chidori crakling and Rasengan whirling like a demented will o' the wisp. Sakura ran foward, Kakashi not far behind. One of the clotheslines lay innocently on the ground before her, and she tripped, falling face-first into hard, cold concrete.

The two boys froze, Chidori and Rasengan fading slowly and dying away. Kakashi sat motionless, staring fixedly at the unmoving Sakura.

It started out sounding somewhat like a soft intake of breath. then, Sasuke and Naruto's shoulders began shaking slightly. Kakashi leaned against the wall, trying hard to hold it in. Naruto and Sasuke began shaking harder at the sight, tears of mirth threatening to fall from thier eyes. Eventually, Kakashi couldn't stand it: he bagan laughing uncontrollably. This eventually got Naruto and Sasuke going, and the male portion of Team 7 were leaning against each other and the walls, sides aching with laughter.

"It hurts," Sasuke gasped, "It hurts so bad..."

"Can't...breathe...properly..." whispered Kakashi.

"Sorry, but we just can't go on..." Naruto said, sobering for a second before breaking into fresh peals of laughter.

Sakura got up, and shot them a glare that would've set Gaara to shaking in his sandles.

"Shut up! It's not funny!"

The boys, however, refused to quit laughing. She was becoming rather angry now...

"You know what? SCREW YOU!"

That being said, she turned on her heel and walked off. The boys still laughed, completely oblivious.

* * *

Eventually, the boys finished laughing, and looked around.

"Hey," said Sasuke, "Where'd Sakura run off to? That was funny!"

"Yeah, where is that girl," said Kakashi, voicing his thoughts. An ANBU messenger suddenly appeared.

"Excuse me, are you the sensei of Haruno Sakura?"

Kakashi sweatdropped. "Yes. What do you want?"

The ANBU shrugged. "I was instructed to give you this." And after handing off the scroll, the ANBU disappeared in a poof of smoke.

"I've always wanted to learn how to do that," said Sasuke, impressed. Naruto nodded in agreement. Kakashi opened the scroll, and dropped it in shock.

"What's up, Kakashi-sensei," asked Naruto. Sasuke picked up the scroll, and read it aloud.

_Dear assholes,_

_Have gone to Suna to stay with Sand Sibs. Will be back when you all grow up. Gaara says hi. He says you can come to the wedding. _

_See ya never: _

_Sakura._

All three stared at each other.

"We're screwed, aren't we," said Sasuke.

"You bet your sweet bippy we are," said Kakashi. They were silent again.

"So, who wants ramen? My treat!"

The boys shrugged, and went off to Ichiraku's.

* * *

Sasuke never did go find Orochimaru, instead deciding to go be a traveling ninja. He was known as Uchiha the Oddball, mostly because of his childish antics and overly elaborate pranks. Naruto became the first Hokage to ever allow any Chuunin with a headband to drink, regardless of age. Kakashi retired early, living off a rather comfy pension. 

Sakura, on the other hand, became the most famous medic in Wind country. She married, and now has three lovely children, all of whom can control sand and have oddly inhuman strength (wink wink, nudge nudge). She still considers her teammates complete losers. She's also completely right.

* * *

Second chapter. Yeah, I couldn't help it: I had to sneak GaaSaku in there somehow. lolz, I'm a GaaSaku fanwhore...(and proud of it!)

REVIEW!


	3. Big Boom, Yeah?

I personally like this chapter. You'll see why in a few minutes.

Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto. Now that I think about it, I don't own Monty Python and the Holy Grail, either...

* * *

The fight was raging on. 

Gaara was in a state of panic: NOTHING he was doing worked on this guy! Bad enough he was getting blown up on every side, but the guy had the most annoying speech impediment in the freakin' world! He dodged yet another bomb, and tried to think. Suddenly it dawned on him...he'd have to use his last resort...

"Kankuro! Get me Plan B!"

Kankuro heard his younger brother shout, and nearly passed out when Gaara's words finally registered in his brain.

"NO! Plan B is too dangerous!"

"We have no choice! We have to use..." Gaara paused for dramatic effect.

"The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch."

* * *

"Okay," said Gaara lightheartedly, flipping to chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one in the Book of Armaments, "Ah, here we go..._The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch: User's Manual_." 

"Gaara, Hurry up!"

"Patience is a virtue, Kankuro," Gaara muttered absentmindedly.

"Alrighty then..._And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade on high, saying, 'Oh Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereal, and fruitbats and large chu_..."

"Gaara," screeched Kankuro, interrupting the prayer, "SKIP A BIT, WILL YA BRO?!"

Gaara looked at his brother blankly.

"...That's rather rude of you..." He dissmissed it.

"_And the Lord spake, saying, 'First thou shalt take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three: no more, no less. Three is the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught within my sight, shall snuff it.'_ _Amen_."

Gaara looked at the gaudily-decorated orb, then grabbed hold of the cross at the zenith of the Grenade.

"I can't believe I'm going to do this...ONE...TWO...FIVE!"

"THREE, GAARA!" Kankuro was peeved. "IT'S THREE!"

"Right, whatever...THREE!"

And with that, he pulled out the pin, and hurled it at the Akatsuki member before him. Choral music a la Handel's _Messiah_ played fot the briefest of seconds, before the Grenade exploded magnificently.

"Is he dead," asked Kankuro, hiding behind an overturned crate. Gaara had absolutely no clue.

"Dude," Gaara said in amazement, staring at the sparks flying down from the heavens, "THAT KICKED ASS! LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!!"

Suddenly, Diedara flew out from the cloud of smoke and sparks. "Ha! Did you think that puny thing would stop me, un? YA GOT NOTHING ON ME, YA LITTLE BRAT, UN!"

Gaara raised a non-existant eyebrow. "I wouldn't look down, if I were you..."

Deidara, being the asstard he is, did exactly that and fell a hundred stories from the rooftops of Suna.

* * *

Sasori sighed. "Dammit...Itachi-sama, send in the medics..." 

Tifa, Sephiroth, Cloud Strife, and Vincent ran toward the dead body, bags of phoenix down on their backs and potions in hand.

"NO!" Sephiroth got to the dead missing-nin first. "YOU AIN'T GONNA DIE ON ME! NOT TODAY!"

He and Cloud then proceeded to attemp CPR on the (very) dead Deidara. Vincent sighed.

"He's dead, not passed out, you ninnies."

"Use phoenix down," said Tifa, walking away. Cloud and Sephiroth looked on in amazement.

"Why didn't we think of that...?"

* * *

Deidara was revived (eventually), and the Save Gaara arc continued as it should. Gaara wasn't too thrilled about it. 

Akatsuki was pleased, though.

* * *

I had the urge to include Monty Python somewhere, and this seemed like the right place to put it... 

REVIEW!


	4. Orochimaru's Old

Credit to **EcoliandDaChihuahua** for the "steamed like broccoli" thing. I'm surprised you people actually like this fic. This was a little cracked up thing I made for my own amusement, and already over thirty reviews. Tell me, are you people insane? If so, then stay that way.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, would I be denying it?

* * *

Orochimaru was steamed. Like broccoli. With cheese

Not only had the Sound Four lost, but Sasuke had come to him half-dead and asleep. This was unacceptable.

"You people SUCK!" He was not happy with Kidomaru and Jiroubou. Breathing heavily, he continued berating the two.

"Not only are three of you DEAD, but you also brought back my new body, and it was BROKEN!"

Kabuto exited Sasuke's room, removing his latex gloves. "Orochimaru-sama, is this angry yelling or broken hearing aid yelling?"

Jiroubou looked at the medic in contempt. "Unfortunately, it's both."

"WHAT?!"

* * *

Sasuke woke up to yelling. Loud yelling. Slipping out of bed, he watched as Orochimaru screamed at his subordinates.

"If Sasuke's dead, then you guys are going down with him, got it?!"

"I'm not dead,' Sasuke deadpanned. Orochimaru whirled round.

"Oh," said Orochimaru, becoming very nice all of a sudden, "Sasuke-kun! You're awake!"

"And you're an old man," the boy said, smirking.

"I'm NOT old!!"

"Well, Orochimaru-sama, with all due respect…"

"I'M NOT OLD!"

"But…!"

"NOT OLD!"

* * *

Yeah, that's it. No, I won't add more to this chapter. Yes, you may review. NOW! 


	5. Sasori And His Strings

Lolz, Sasori vs. Sakura was just begging to be made fun of.

Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own. Understand? Good.

* * *

Chiyo and Sakura stood, in awe of the sight before them.

"Well," Sasori said, "I haven't had to use this form since I first joined the Akatsuki."

"What is he," Sakura asked, fear creating a tremor in her voice.

"I don't believe it," Chiyo said gravely, "No wonder he hasn't aged."

"He's a living, breathing puppet," Sakura breathed.

"That's right," Sasori said, a smirk on his face, "but unlike a puppet…"

He then stepped forward, and smiled. He then jumped in the air, and sang out a familiar tune.

_I got no strings_

_To hold me down,_

_To make me grin,_

_Or make me frown!_

_I hate strings,_

_But now I see,_

_I got no strings on me!_

Sakura and Chiyo stood there, sweatdropping. Sasori continued his crazed song-and-dance routine, all the while oblivious to the fact that Sakura and Chiyo had left the cavern, mumbling something about "crazy organization with psychotic members".

* * *

Short, I know, but I had to do it. I just had to.


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